


Everything Fails

by HighfalutinTomato



Series: Demon Five AU [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Blood, Demon AU, Five isn't used to feelings so they overwhelm him, Gen, Lots of Thinking, Might count more as a drabble?, Self Harm, When they do appear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26480392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighfalutinTomato/pseuds/HighfalutinTomato
Summary: He’s dreaming of a world where he gets everything he wants. A world where they’re safe and he hadn’t failed them. He would not fail again.Tw for graphic self-harm and depictions of blood.
Series: Demon Five AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925071
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	Everything Fails

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the demon AU I posted on my Tumblr, deadliest-little-thing. 
> 
> I honestly didn't intend this to turn out as graphic as it did, but the song I listened to while writing punched me in my Feelings. Be wary reading if the triggers may upset you

He opened his eyes slowly, staring up at the shadow-coated ceiling through a film of hazy darkness. He wiped at them sluggishly, noting when he removed his pale gray hands that there was a black viscous substance coating them. He left it, finding it looked just close enough to his black blood to calm his nerves. It shouldn’t, he knew, but it did.

He was so unused to feeling anything anymore, but right then he could feel the budding feelings of sorrow and pain growing in his chest, threatening to burst like balloons and drown him. Suffocate him.

He reached one hand up to his antlers, stroking along the smooth texture with both grim curiosity and an emotion unfamiliar to him. Though, what emotions weren’t unfamiliar at this point? He pinched harshly. The nerves he’d unfortunately learned existed went alight with a short burst of pain. Just like him, they weren’t meant to exist. Not like this.

He remembered, The Handler, that woman and her promises to him. The deal he made with her, and the loophole she’d tricked him with. His second mistake and second only to leaving all of his siblings behind. 

Sometimes he dreamed of a different world, when he was graced with the kindness of sweet dreams. A world where his siblings were safe, even if he couldn’t be with them and never would be again, a world where The Handler hadn’t used that loophole on him.

A world where he’d sold her his soul for the price of his sibling’s lives and she’d fulfilled her end of the deal, instead of turning him into an immortal being and claiming he had all the time in the world for being a hero now. They both knew he didn’t. His life was hers to do with as she wished.

A world where his newfound instincts didn’t love the pain of humans. A world where his powers weren’t altered by what he’d become and used as a weapon. But most of all, he always found his dreams circling back to what he wanted most of all. A world where his siblings were healthy and happy and, most importantly, alive. It was everything he’d wanted. Everything he’d been working for and everything he would sell his soul for countless times more. For just the chance to save them? He would never give that up, if there was even the smallest chance of it working. 

He was their last and only chance.

To anyone else, the deal in either form would’ve been the worst case scenario, a horrible nightmare that they would refuse to endure until there was no other choice. To him, it was a dream. The least effort required to fulfill that dream and the easy way out, but it would accomplish the only thing that mattered to him.

So when he was reunited with his siblings, he was a little less surprised to find it stung to discover none of them cared. They greeted him with annoyance and didn’t even bother to consider what he must’ve went through to return to them. He thought they might care, but all this time apart must’ve made him a fool to be so hopeful. He convinced himself they didn’t deserve him and powered ahead, it provided less of a dull ache than acknowledging how much their lack of care disgruntled him, and there was no time for that.

He went to Vanya, but he could tell she didn’t believe him either. Didn’t understand all he’d suffered. Somehow, he felt lonelier than he’d felt in all his decades in the apocalypse. Than when he’d been turned into a demon. It felt like no one could see him, and even if they could, they’d consider him weak for failing them. For being tricked and not being able to save them. Except he would save them, he’d made it this far and he’d be damned if he let them sabotage all he’d done.

But he found himself slipping. It was so hard to focus on anything, and he no longer knew what were nightmares and what were reality anymore. It felt like the days were passing faster and faster. The world slipping through his fingertips. The apocalypse creeping closer. But he no longer knew if he had the strength to stop it. To keep pushing forward. He was so tired. Everything was so quick and so meaningless. Nothing yielded the results he wanted.

He knew he’d keep going though. He had to, he wasn’t close, nowhere near close enough, but he had to save them. Even if he lost himself, even if he were to fade away, he’d do anything to save them. They were his entire world and the only thing that mattered to him at all. He couldn’t fail.

If only his siblings knew how their words affected him though, if only they knew he took every shred of ill intent from them and buried it in his head and in his heart. Another negative thing staining them. Staining him. He couldn’t discern what he felt, or what he was supposed to feel towards it. But he knew he didn’t like it.

He tried to convince himself their opinions and feelings didn’t matter, that they were meaningless. Deep down he knew better though. Everything about them was as far from meaningless as something could get.

If they could see him now, mirage faded and accompanied only by monochrome tones and black sludge, they’d be terrified. They’d abandon every notion of him as their brother, as a person, and he’d be unable to do anything for them anymore. No matter how much it hurt to hide what he’d become, and no matter how much it hurt equally to fear their inevitable reactions of horror, he couldn’t tell them. No matter how unfamiliar these emotions had become and how uncomfortable, he never would if he had any say in it.

Nobody needed to see the visible evidence of all of his failures to them.

So he let loose here, the only place he could find that was secluded enough. A dark closet on a mostly unused floor of the academy, equally as dark and despicable as him. It fit him, it was made for him, a place that was just as lost as he felt. His siblings expected him to have all the answers now, to be strong and put together and a pillar they could take their annoyance out on. Something sturdy enough to be able to weather any storm.

Except that pillar was breaking down now, it was weathering and it was weak. It had failed them before and had the potential to fail them again. He didn’t know if it would or not. He couldn’t tell right then. He wasn’t sure he had the strength to care.

He heard the sounds of his sibling’s exceedingly loud argument filtering in from the floors below him, echoing off the walls. He was unable to make out the words, but they cut through his melancholy thoughts nonetheless. He waited with baited breath to hear what would happen next, but he already knew. The sounds of doors slamming were quick to follow and the family he’d held so closely to his heart was shattering once more before his ears. He’d expected this, and yet, he didn’t have the strength to remain strong anymore. The pillar shattered along with them.

Emotions flooded his body, invaded every portion of his mind and overwhelmed him with their unfamiliar intensity. He’d not truly felt anything in so long, it all hurt so much and he couldn’t keep it in. He felt like he’d burst if he so much as tried. So he let go. 

He broke down as his shoulders were wracked with the force of his sobs and the black fluid that had come to fascinate and disgust him slid down his cheeks eagerly. It would stain his white shirt, stain the floor even, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t feel anything towards it, nothing but overwhelming pain and sorrow. So overwhelming it felt as if he might puke. 

He started shaking from the intensity, a chill creeping in and worsening it as he choked on his sobs. His breaths came shorter. He scratched and clawed furiously at his arms. At his shoulders. At his cheeks. At his head. Everywhere he could reach. In a sudden burst of emotion, he raked his sharp nails down his antlers and let the sobs consume him even further. He cried for the pain of it all.

That was good though, that was exactly what he wanted. 

He lowered his hands shakily and watched as his black blood dripped down from his head. It joined black tears coating and staining his hands. They intermingled until he couldn’t tell any longer which was which. He let a wide smile overtake his face, viscous liquid dripping from his lips and down his chin. Its source being from when he’d expunged the rest of it onto the floor while lost in his head. He was pleased by the mess he’d caused. Calmed by the burning and searing pain he felt from everywhere his claws had shredded through his skin.

Everything was smudged in an inky blackness he’d come to recognize. Everything smelled of sulfur and vomit.

In the all-encompassing darkness, he didn’t care about anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Already writing other fics based on this AU soo, yeahh, it's another series now lmao. I still plan to write more with trans Five as the focus, but this idea kicked me in the face


End file.
